But am I really?
I think that I am very much a futurist. When I consider myself, and where my head is when it is in the clouds, I am often thinking about some future proposition. Fantasizing. And while this feature of myself has its charms, and even its benefits in creative thinking, it is also something to transcend. The framework of the enneagram, a lens through which I see myself, assumes that every individual has maladaptive traits that disable the individual to the heightened experience that he or she is capable of, perhaps even destined for. These traits need to be seen, and that individual should evolve to transform weakness into strength. I am not entirely sure the prescription for this process, but the idea I very much like.
As I was riding my bike yesterday, I rode past a patch of mixed grass life near railroad tracks. I considered how easy it is for plant life to flourish, comparing that with how difficult it is for people to flourish. As I listened to Deaths of Despair, I considered the constant input and corrective action it takes to remain on a right course. And really, that's just a part of life, all life. These plants have to continue to evolve, to maintain competitive advantage. But they typically do so by becoming more fully themselves, if that makes sense. Put another way, they don't radically change, usually, but they get better at doing the things they already do, usually to the tune of miraculous feat.
A flower or plant releasing pollen does not assume wings and fly off as a bird. The plant may rather like that, and, could the plant consider its plight, it might rather like the ability to fly off to whatever uninhabited field may be out there somewhere, but that's not how it approaches its plight. Instead, the pollen grain, or maybe even a seed, becomes so light that it can be carried by the wind; to a random location, yes, but often enough to some place good. Or, the seed may become consumed by a winged creature and end up in a place of the creatures fancy, thereby being included in some level of consciousness that the seed is not itself capable of.
All of this to say that my future leaning brain might be able to become valuable in the here-and-now-present, but I have to evolve to a place where futurity and fantasy become tamed by reality. More needs to be explored on this, but I pray that my family will be the beneficiaries. Because what seems to happen as I fantasize about possibilities beneficial in the realm of me, is that the present reality of my family is not included in the benefit. And this is a very real assessment point to consider. How can it be that my family, the appendage that provides me constant life is not fully reciprocated by me?
I wrote a note for myself yesterday: "be your wife's biggest cheerleader". I find myself often at odds with my wife, battling with her to get her to understand that her limited view is not the only view. I am largely unsuccessful. At least in the immediate. I'd like to change my approach from one of sticking your nose in your poo, to I love you just the way you are. There are so many things that my wife does for me and our family, selfless things, the things I should be taking note of and celebrating. She and my daughter are a part of my everyday. There is no one more constant. I have to figure out how to more consistently be a contributor of their joy.
Heavenly Father, all of this highfalutin talk about selflessness and being present does little good if it doesn't make it down into the base level of action. Help me to live out the call that You have for my life in being a husband and a father. Help me to take those roles more serious and to assume governance for good, Your kind of governance, godliness, in our home.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
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